Recover From Holiday Flirtations
Without Destroying Your Marriage
January 10, 2005
Jealousy and Resentment Block Love and Trust
Holiday parties can lead to flirtatious encounters that spark
jealousy. Ways to avoid these feelings and keep the relationship
values are covered. Questing France, a self-help book, assists
couples with the process of confronting flirtations and assessing
if their intimacy and trust can be re-established.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time. I was just having
fun and the mood was filled with expectation. We were dancing, then
touching. Surely a little kissing wasn't wrong."
What one person will accept in their partner's behaviour can be
very different than another. The important issue for a couple is
that they have clearly agreed upon expectations of the limits they
Falling in love is a wonderful feeling. It is very different than
being overcome with lust. The feelings that rage into a frenzy with
sexual arousal are more about a physical response and desire for
conquest than love.
Once the arousal has cooled it is easy to say; "That didn't
mean anything to me."
The partner who feels annoyed, jealous or rejected by their partner's
behaviour doesn't want to accept that the obvious display of attraction
was meaningless. They feel embarrassed, cheated and eventually lied
to. What they observed did not look like something harmless or meaningless.
It appears more like a direct threat to their relationship.
Resolving the feelings that watching a partner flirting and making
sexualized contact with another person is challenging. Intense conflicts
often follow holiday parties. It is important to work through these
emotions without destroying the trust of your spouse. Getting the
issue resolved helps avoid building resentment that can ruin a relationship.
Rather than staying in the blame stage of a relationship, move
on to the learning phase.
Before going to the next gathering the couple needs to agree on
1. If dancing with someone other than their partner is acceptable?
2. Is being naked in the hot tub tolerated?
3. Will group sexual activity be an expectation of this party?
4. Is pressure of coercion used that takes them beyond their comfort
5. Are drugs and alcohol acceptable? If so, which ones and how much.
6. Do they agree to leave together?
7. What action will be taken if the other strays from the agreement
Celebrating important events with others is part of life. Having
group fun helps build a long term lifestyle. Building relationships
with people with similar values and expectations helps couples wake
up after the partying is over able to talk about the fun and feel
good about themselves and their relationship.
Questing France: Deepening the Search For My Holy Grail,
is a self-help book that encompasses the confrontation of infidelity
and the process of rebuilding a new style of marriage relationship.
It takes the reader on trips where the freedom from responsibilities
allows time to work on the marriage. It also helps find the answer
when the question is asked: "Is this marriage worth saving?"
Detailed ways to work at being happily
married are included. Available on line and at your local independent
bookstore and library.
Author Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed., is a registered marriage
and family therapist with a private practice in Burlington Ontario
Canada and author of books on personal growth through travel. Questing
Marilyn is about the search for the authentic adult Self and asks:
"Who can I be when I am free to be my Self?" Questing
France is about holding onto the Self when in a marriage. Questing
France asks the question: "Can I be me when I am with you?"
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Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed.
Registered Marriage and Family Therapist
Author of Books on Personal Growth Through Travel
Burlington, ON, Canada
905 639 8393 * 1 888 205 2292
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